


Matters of the Heart

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Adultery, Camelot, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gay, Love, M/M, Marriage, Partner Betrayal, Relationship(s), Short One Shot, Waiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 21:56:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7192343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Is it possible to love two people? I love her, Merlin. I do. And I love you too. I know it's selfish to want you both, but I do need both of you. I love her in a calm, sure way that I feel is necessary for me to rule. Her serene nature keeps me grounded and rational. I can think clearly with her around because my love for her is distant and intangible. But you. God Merlin. My love for you is desperate and needy. I can't focus on anything but you sometimes. I feel everything you feel, I watch everything you do because I'm captivated by your very essence. My desire for you is palpable to the point where I can feel it inside me like a dagger. You two couldn’t be more opposite. I need her for the kingdom while I need you for only me. I can't be that selfish, Merlin. I just can't. I can't live without you, yet I feel that I must if I am to rule with a level head. I love Camelot, I love my people, I love being king, and I love Guinevere, I do, but the terrifying thing of it is, Merlin, I love you more than any of that combined."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Matters of the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

Merlin knew it was wrong. This. All of this. Gwen's behavior, Lancelot returning from the dead. But worst of all was Merlin. Selfish, stupid, hopeful Merlin. Arthur was downstairs, in the throne room, talking to Guinevere - his bride-to-be if the king would still have her - about how she had been with Lancelot on this very day. Merlin should have kept away. Let them sort it out on their own. Arthur loved her, didn't he? Merlin should have let that be. But Merlin needed to know. He needed to hear Arthur say that he would forgive Gwen for what she had done. He needed to be told to go back home for the evening, that Arthur would no longer require his services. Merlin needed to hear all this because he knew he wouldn’t. Merlin knew that waiting in the king’s chambers, after everything that had transpired, not only between them, but with Guinevere, Arthur would want nothing more than to be with his manservant.

There was a time before Gwen. A time when it was just Arthur and Merlin, when they were manservant and prince. The innocent time when they both believed they could be together one day. The time when everything was right in the world because Merlin had Arthur. Then it slipped away. 

It wasn’t either of them, truthfully. Both realized what they had gotten themselves into and both realized the reasons why it needed to stop. But it couldn’t stop. It never really did. Despite their best efforts, they could never really be apart. Sometimes it was as innocent as Merlin keeping his king warm during patrols. Other times it ended with Merlin in Arthur’s bed and both forlorn with the knowledge that they could never be as happy as they were naked and curled together under his sheets.

But when Arthur had made the decision to marry Guinevere, everything the two men shared ceased with an abrupt shock to Merlin that left him dry. She had something that didn’t belong to her. Someone that wasn't hers. And slowly Merlin began to hate her. He knew that it had nothing to do with Gwen herself, but Merlin couldn’t rationalize his feelings. He was too bitter with a longing for a man he no longer could have. So when the news of her and Lancelot had spread throughout the castle, Merlin felt a shameful joy that he tried to quell with logic. But matters of the heart don't deal well with logic, which is what led Merlin to his king's bedchambers on the night he would be without a fiancé.

The door flew open and Arthur trudged in fumbling with his belt. He didn’t even act surprised that Merlin was there. He managed to get his chainmail off before Merlin could even get to the other side of the room. Miraculously, Arthur had kept his eyes off Merlin and clenched his jaw with a vicious tightness. Tentatively, Merlin reached out for Arthur.

As Merlin touched the king’s shoulder, Arthur shuddered and let out a soft whimper. "She was supposed to be my wife."

"I know," Merlin said as he ran a soothing hand down Arthur’s back. "I am so sorry, Arthur."

Finally Arthur looked at him. Eyes wet and face flushed. He was devastated and all Merlin wanted to do was comfort him. "I banished her, Merlin."

Merlin pulled away instinctively and studied Arthur. He knew Arthur had a temper, that he was a jealous man, and that he was heartbroken above all, but never was he cruel. And banishing Gwen... that seemed a bit harsh. Even for the woman Merlin wanted out of Arthur’s life completely, banishment didn’t seem to fit the crime. Yes, she had done Arthur a great injustice - no, she had betrayed him entirely - but still, she had a home here in Camelot, and sending her with no place to go was somewhat cold. Although, the law would have her dead, so Merlin supposed this was the better option. 

"Arthur, I am here if you need to talk."

Arthur shook his head and finally let his tears fall. Wrapping Merlin in a warm embrace, Arthur whispered, "Just hold me."

And Merlin did just that.

For a long moment the only sound was of Arthur’s soft sobs. The only movement was his rapid harsh breaths on Merlin’s neck. In that moment Merlin knew he could never love Arthur more. He was willing to find a way to get Guinevere back, get Arthur to forgive her, because if that made the pain Arthur was feeling in this moment fade, even a little, Merlin would do it a hundred times over. He'd do anything to keep Arthur from hurt like this.

**Author's Note:**

> This is how, in my head, I justify Merlin and Arthur's relationship throughout the show. I never liked how Merlin kept trying so hard to get Gwen and Arthur back together, and this was the only way I could make it right in my head. The summary of this story is something that Arthur must have said to Merlin when he made the decision to marry Gwen. I sort of hate that Arthur makes this decision, and I want him to be true to his heart, but again, this is my justification for the show, and the actions they take in the show.


End file.
